she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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