McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
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