In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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