butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
