He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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