I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Randomize
