I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
