I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
