i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize