I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
