if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
