A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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