Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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