i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
