Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
