remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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