Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
