just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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