Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
