Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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