and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
