o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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