So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
