Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
