nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
