Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
