For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I understand Curling. That high.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
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