I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
