people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
