Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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