sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
