Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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