the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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