just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
