Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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