I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Randomize
