Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
