So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
