Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I AM VODKA MAN
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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