Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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