Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
