Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
