Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
