Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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