you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
