Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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