Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
