yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
