Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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