Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
