We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
