dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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