we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
