He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
