2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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