i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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