Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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