i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Randomize
