I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
