Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
