i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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