She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Randomize
