Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
tequila makes me forget i have legs
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize