my vag is so smooth its legendary
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
