If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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