I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
