im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i will never coherently bang her
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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