I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
