I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
