i'm signing you up for texting rehab
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
